Why Does Grief Feel Worse at Night?

Grief isn’t linear, or universal – it impacts us all in unique ways. That said, it is a fairly common experience for people who are mourning to struggle the most after the sun sets. Why exactly does grief feel worse at night? What can you do to get through it?

Grief tends to feel worse at night because we ruminate, or review thoughts and feelings about the day’s happenings. While sometimes it can be helpful, as it allows us to process events we couldn’t deal with at the time, the lack of distractions can make you overthink things and worry excessively.

Rumination is definitely a big part of dealing with grief at night, but there are other factors at play that can all contribute to feeling worse at night when working through a loss or tragedy. Luckily, there are several ways that you can help yourself cope.

Factors That Make Grief Feel Worse at Night

Trouble Sleeping

Grief can be an incredibly emotional and physical experience. Your body may ache, you may have difficulty falling asleep, or you may wake up easily. Insomnia (not sleeping enough) or hypersomnia (sleeping too much) can be detrimental side effects of grief that make it really hard to function. If you can, try to regulate your sleep to help your grief not overwhelm you at night.

I know, I know, easier said than done.

No More Distractions

In order to make it through the day, people who are experiencing loss often throw themselves into their work, errands, or social calendar. Planning funeral proceedings or visiting friends and family of the person you’ve lost can serve as a distraction from your own grief. But at night, all those distractions fall away and you’re left alone with your feelings.

It is helpful to stay busy, but if you’re only allowing yourself to truly feel things when the day is over, you’re not likely going to be able to process things well. Speaking with a therapist about your grief can help.

Darkness

The dark on its own can make everything seem heavier. Especially in the winter months when the sun goes down early, darkness can take away motivation and lower our overall mood. On its own darkness might not be enough to trigger grief, but it definitely can be a contributing factor.

If you feel the darkness is causing your grief to be even worse, consider lighting a candle or turning on some soft warm lights – just a little bit of light can help.

Exhaustion

When we are grieving, it takes a ton of effort to maintain our composure around others. That extra effort can take its toll, and by the time the end of the day rolls around, you may no longer have any energy left to keep your emotions at arm’s length.

It’s okay to say no – especially during times of grief. Try not to dedicate too much of your energy to others just for the sake of their feelings or needs…they will understand.

Dreams of Your Loved One

After a long day, coming home and ruminating on your loss can lead to dreams of the person you so desperately miss. Seeing them in your dreams, whether the dream itself is good or bad, can be deeply upsetting once you wake up.

While we can’t control our dreams, we can control how we respond to our feelings around them. Talking with a therapist about your dreams can help you understand how to deal with your emotions regarding them.

Missing Your Nighttime Companion

For most of us, the evening is when you would spend quality time with the person you have lost. Grief at night is compounded when the person you are mourning is your spouse, who you’ve shared a bed with for years. Rolling over and seeing an empty mattress on their side of the bed can be devastating.

If you’ve lost a spouse, this experience is inevitable. But that doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone. Speak through the loneliness with a therapist – it can really help.

Coping With Grief at Night

To better cope with grief in the night, establish and maintain a steady evening routine. Try to fill the time you would’ve spent with the person you’ve lost with something new – maybe a weekly pottery class or board game night. Set up a self care routine before bed, including some of the other coping skills I cover here.

With all of that being said, distraction only pushes the problem further into the future. You will, at some point, need to face your grief to be able to come to peace with it.

Try not to indulge easy coping mechanisms. Drinking a lot or sleeping too much can help you avoid your grief in the short term, but those feelings will still be there, needing to be processed, when you are sober or wake up.

And if therapy isn’t an option right now, instead try journaling about your feelings, even if it’s for only 15 minutes a day. Take steps to cut out stress in the evenings, especially if you have friends or family that are offering to help cook for you or manage your household.

Wrapping Up

If you find yourself overwhelmed with grief at night, you are not alone. Rumination and all the other factors I discussed tend to create a perfect storm of loss. It’s important to give yourself grace as you work through your grief. I don’t know when, because every person is different, but you will work through it. It’s not going to be this hard forever.

And if you feel like you’d like some more help in the meantime, reach out. We’re always here for you.