Divorce: How to See it Coming or Decide it’s Time

It’s no secret that making a marriage last isn’t as easy as it looks on TV. It takes communication, vulnerability, and work on both sides. However, the signs of divorce aren’t always as clear as they seem to be in the movies, either. So, what are some of the signs you should consider getting a divorce?

 

1. 1. There is ongoing domestic abuse.
2. 2. Physical and emotional intimacy happens rarely, or not at all.
3. 3. You’re just roommates or parents, not partners.
4. 4. Either there’s no conflict AND no communication, or there’s always conflict and drama.
5. 5. They are no longer your go-to person.
6. 6. Your priorities or values have changed – and you’re now in direct opposition on something big.
7. 7. There’s a persistent lack of trust or respect.
8. 8. You are daydreaming about your life without them often.

 

There are numerous signs that a marriage has run its course, but these are some of the most common. Have further questions? I’ll go into more detail below.

Signs You Should Get a Divorce

There’s Ongoing Domestic Abuse

Violence in a marriage is completely unacceptable, period. Everyone deserves a chance at safe and healthy love, and you are worthy of a partner who doesn’t physically endanger you. If you feel trapped in a dangerous relationship, consider reaching out to local resources such as Willow Domestic Violence Center. Their advocates can help you brainstorm a plan to get yourself out safely.

There’s Always Conflict and Drama

If even the smallest disagreement or discussion ends in a screaming match, it may be a sign that coexisting peacefully is no longer possible. One of you is clearly heightened or triggered by the other’s presence if conflict is continually present. Healing a broken marriage is a two player game, you can’t do it on your own.

Physical/Emotional Intimacy Happens Rarely

Feeling like you can’t connect to your partner physically or emotionally is another big sign something is wrong with your relationship. If you aren’t attracted to them any more, or interested in connecting with them on a deeper level, your marriage will wither. This doesn’t have to mean sexual activity, but every marriage needs some sort of physical intimacy and touch to thrive.

You’re Just Roommates or Parents

Focusing too much on parenting or running the household can be detrimental to your marriage as well. The spousal relationship should be the foundation the family unit is built on, but if it’s been neglected to tend to other things, loneliness and resentment can seep into the cracks.

There’s No Conflict and No Communication

If one or both of you can’t be bothered to communicate or argue, it can mean that you’ve given up on being understood. Conflict and communication may be stressful, but it indicates that you’re both showing up for the relationship. When neither are happening, someone has stopped caring enough to want to work it out. Both parties have to be on board for a marriage to recover.

They Are No Longer Your Person

Maybe you just got a promotion, or on the other hand, you’ve been fired. When you’re filled with excitement or anxiety, who do you call/text? If it’s not your spouse, you are fundamentally disconnected from one another. Ambivalence towards sharing important moments creates loneliness, and if you don’t feel that you can rekindle that trust and relationship, it might be time to consider divorce.

Your Priorities or Values Have Changed

If you want kids and your spouse is child-free, that’s (obviously) a huge issue. Compromise is a part of healthy relationships, but if one of you compromising means straight up doing something you don’t want to do, resentment and bitterness are on the horizon. Not to mention if there are big life decisions that will impact others (like having kids), it’s important to consider how your relationship’s stability could affect other parties.

There’s a Persistent Lack of Trust or Respect

Whether it’s due to infidelity, addiction, or poor decision-making in general, if you can’t trust or respect your spouse, your relationship is severely damaged. Sometimes, we can work through issues of trust and respect in therapy, but each couple and relationship is different. Being unable to forgive an action or let go of arguments is toxic, and can be incredibly difficult to come back from.

You Are Daydreaming About Your Life Without Them

You may not have admitted (even to yourself) that you’re already actually thinking about divorce. Yet you find yourself looking at apartments online, thinking about what you’d like to take with you into your new life, or imagining dating again. When you get to the point that you’re planning your exit, it indicates you are mentally ready to move on – and that’s a huge change in anyone’s life.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Even if your marriage fits this list, if you both earnestly want to fix your relationship, couples counseling can help you start communicating. Pittsford Therapy works with all kinds of couples facing all kinds of issues, and we’d be honored to help you two begin to rebuild your marriage.
Conversely, if you read this list and realized that it’s time, know that we can still be here to support you. Walking away from something that is just not working is one of the most radical acts of self-love there is. You can do this – and we can help you through this transition.